Recovery

Dad's white blood cell count went down to 44 yesterday (after the initial high count of 60). He's still in the hospital, and we're still praying that he'll leave soon, so he can enjoy all the comforts of home.

Peace,
Suzie

Bummer...

"Bummer" is the word one of my coworkers used when I first heard of the severity of dad's cancer. There are times when it seems to sum up my feelings perfectly.

Dad was diagnosed with pneumonia in his right lung this evening. It's hard to see him have to fight so hard for his health. Mercifully, he still has his own hospital room, which allows him a bit of peace in between blood draws from the nurses.

I drove down to Indiana today and will come home tomorrow afternoon.

Another dear friend Martie is in the hospital today as well...her precious baby boy was delivered safely at 10 this morning! A reminder that God is still watching over each life, each day that he has given us.

Until next week...

Dad's Recovery

Dad has now been transferred to a regular room. In fact, he has the room all to himself, which gives him extra rest and peace and quiet.

No word on the white blood cell count yet--although the steroids may cause the elevated count.

He's somewhat uncomfortable from lying on his back, but we're hoping they get him up and about this morning. The doctor also said the 17 stitches in his head will remain there for quite some time.

It looks like I'll be staying home in Michigan this weekend. It's been a terribly crazy week, and I need to get some rest.

That's the update. I leave you with this prayer from St. Francis:

Christ be beside me, Christ be before me, Christ be behind me, King of my heart. Christ be within me, Christ be below me, Christ be above me, never to part.

Christ on my right hand, Christ on my left hand, Christ all around me, shield in the strife. Christ in my sleeping, Christ in my sitting, Christ in my rising, light of my life.

Christ be in all hearts thinking about me, Christ be in all tongues telling of me, Christ be the vision in eyes that see me, In ears that hear me, Christ ever be.

Update...

Although he's feeling OK, Dad's white blood cell count is elevated today, and they are running some tests.

Thanks for interceding on his behalf.

Post-Surgery Report

Dad entered surgery at 1 pm CT yesterday. It took only about an hour and a half, and the neurosurgeon says he came through swimmingly.

Unfortunately, although they told us we would see dad within the hour, it took 6 hours for us to see him. They had no beds in their ICU unit for the longest time, and they refused to let us see him in recovery. He was asking for us, but he was still able to rest during this time.

The mass was completely cut out of his brain--and upon further examination, it was already dead tissue, the cancer cells killed from his radiation treatments. The Dr. feels very confident they removed all of the brain cancer.

Within 3-5 days, he should be home from the hospital and adjusting to his "new normal" once again. Nothing has changed significantly, although he seems to have growing pain from his bone cancer. I'm thankful that they seem to be managing the pain well with prescription painkillers.

He is pleasant and at peace. He actually asked the neurosurgeon if he could pray with him before the brain surgery. :)

Hugs to all of you who continue to lift dad and the whole family up in prayer. Cancer seems to "take and take" a lot of things--but it cannot take our hope and excitement for our eventual heavenly home. Dad said yesterday that "maybe he would just go to heaven." We're so glad he hasn't made the trip yet. But our hearts are assured that when he does leave us, all his pain will vanish, and we will see him again--healthy, vibrant, and whole.

I'm headed back to Michigan this morning...

Traveling Mercies

Please pray for traveling mercies for me this afternoon, as I will leave work at 4:30 to head down to Indiana. Due to snowy conditions, I will likely take an alternate route to avoid the lake effect.

Dad's brain surgery is scheduled for tomorrow at 1 pm CT. So many of you are praying, and I feel your support.

We are comforted by God's unseen presence, as he feels so very near right now. May you experience the same peace and assurance today.

I will update you as soon as I hear the outcome of the surgery. Peace to you...

A bright spot (if you like green)

Amidst the turmoil of the last few months, a small miracle has occurred. I have been published in the bestselling Zondervan Women's Devotional Bible. The Bible, formerly known as "the pink Bible" has been transformed with a funky new green cover.

Not to worry, I didn't alter the text of God's Word--just contributed a few devotionals! :) And yes, it is still published in the NIV. I especially like what they've done with some "30-day" Bible readings on different topics in the back.

See for yourself at a store near you. (This time, you'll actually find my bio in the back. Scary!)

Surgery Ahead...

Today Dad enters his second chemo treatment. We're praying that this time he will not contract pneumonia or any other bug that's floating around.

Also, the neurosurgeon has scheduled his brain surgery for next Tuesday, December 5. At that time, they will perform regular surgery (not with a laser as previously indicated) and will remove the 1/2-inch mass that is there. The Dr. feels confident that it will be easy to get to and that the surgery poses little risk.

I'll probably be heading down to my parents Monday night after work, so I can be up in the hospital with mom and dad during the surgery.

Thank you for your continuous prayers. They are a boon to my spirit.

"May the God of hope bring you such joy & peace in your faith that the power of the Holy Spirit will remove all bounds to hope."
Romans 15:13

Thanksgiving (& Praise)

We're enjoying a bit of a reprieve, as dad is feeling somewhat better and has now figured out a way to get himself out of his chair by putting his weight on another chair in front of him.

How thankful we are to see him a bit more comfortable and mobile. He uses a cane always and relies on prescription painkillers that help him deal with the shooting pains in his hip and pelvic area (caused from bone cancer).

This weekend, we had a visit that caught us by surprise from dad's family. His half brother and his wife, his brother and his wife, and his stepsister and her husband took the 5 hour trip down to my parents' home to see dad. We do not see them very often, so we were touched by their thoughtfulness and the affection and care they are showing. Although my step grandmother (now in her eighties) was unable to come, she sent money and fruitcake, along with other goodies. Dad feels well-loved all around.

Prayer concerns: dad receives his second chemo treatment Wednesday, November 29, and will likely have brain surgery the week after. Please pray that he will be able to maintain his strength and that he'll continue to feel the deep peace that he has been experiencing.

Also, I would greatly appreciate your prayers on behalf of the rest of the family. It is a trying time, and it is easy to take each for granted and to take our frustration or weariness out on each other. Pray that we would love each other well and draw closer during this time.

Finally, please don't take your loved ones for granted. Love them well now, and tell them so. Don't let life get so busy that you cannot make time for these important moments. Live fully; breathe deeply. King Solomon said in Ecclesiastes "However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all."

Dad swells with pride and appreciation for everything we do for him. A few weeks ago I bought him a small ceramic heart that simply says "Life is better because you are my dad." That sums it up. Cancer is teaching all of us how to love well.

With much gratitude for your support, notes, and prayers...

Suzie

A touch of comic relief

Worst quote Suzie's ever heard on a date:
"I deserve to be remarried because God wants me to be happy...and he says to be fruitful and multiply." :)

My two-year-old niece's comment after seeing a large Santa decoration:
"Jesus!" Hmmm...Father Christmas, the Father of all living things...looks like she needs a bit more Sunday School.

Visiting Dad

This weekend I made another trek down here to Indiana to visit with my parents. Dad now stays on the ground floor, usually in his comfy recliner. Once a day in the morning he makes his way up the steps to take a shower upstairs. (The scary part is when he comes down...)

Gratefully, dad regained a bit of energy this weekend, after being extremely weak from the pneumonia and therapies. He now has the energy to watch television or sometimes read in between resting. (I've brought him an entire season of MacGyver on DVD, so that should keep him busy for a bit.)

This morning, he actually went to his church and sat in the second row. People there were so thrilled to see him, and they all signed up to help mom out for a few hours here and there so she can get a break.

Continued prayers are appreciated, as he has not fully recovered from the pneumonia and is constantly wheezing. Mom needs prayer for sleep at night and stamina as his primary caregiver. She is such a trooper. (This Monday through Wednesday alone, she'll accompany dad to 5 doctor appointments.)

As Thanksgiving week begins, I am thankful for small joys: the pleasure of holding Dad's hand as I walked him a few hundred feet home from their church. I'm so thankful he's my father; so thankful for every moment we can treasure. So thankful for good memories.

Hugs to you,
Suzie

We Need Your Prayers

In a short time of about 6 weeks, Dad has been diagnosed with cancer throughout his body. Today, he is having even more difficulty getting up and down. It now takes two people to assist him.

This morning a visiting nurse came in to check on him.

My parents will have to make some very difficult decisions in the next few weeks...the house in Indiana where they currently live does not have bathing facilities on the main floor. And it does not appear that my mom will be able to take care of him alone.

Please pray for a)wisdom b)provision and c)a deep and abiding peace for mom and dad.

Psalm 146: 13b
"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made."

We Need Your Prayers

In a short time of about 6 weeks, Dad has been diagnosed with cancer throughout his body. Today, he is having even more difficulty getting up and down. It now takes two people to assist him.

This morning a visiting nurse came in to check on him.

My parents will have to make some very difficult decisions in the next few weeks...the house in Indiana where they currently live does not have bathing facilities on the main floor. And it does not appear that my mom will be able to take care of him alone.

Please pray for a)wisdom b)provision and c)a deep and abiding peace for mom and dad.

Psalm 146: 13b
"The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made."

Dad Comes Home

Dad returned home from the hospital late yesterday afternoon. He is still quite wobbly, and he has significant swelling in his feet and ankles.

He now has a walker and will likely be getting a wheelchair sometime today. In addition, a therapist is advising them on how to rearrange their home so dad does not have to go up the stairs. If he falls, he is in great danger of breaking some bones due to the steroids he is on.

Please pray for grace for my dad to accept these huge changes. My mom also asked for prayer last night that she would not be afraid. She so hates to see dad this way and she's afraid he will fall.

Thank you for lifting her up. She is a dear servant of God, trying to make the best of this trying time.

Also, prayers for me are appreciated as I will be going there again this weekend, and then for an extended Thanksgiving weekend as well.

May God bring all of us into a spacious place. (Psalm 18:19)

Dad Goes to the Hospital

Dad grew very weak on Friday and Saturday (following a chemo treatment on Wednesday). It became very difficult for him to get up and down or to get around at all.

Saturday evening he said he thought he had a fever, and we discovered it was 101 degrees. We took him to the ER, and after a chest X-ray, we were told he has pneumonia. He is now in the Oncology unit and is receiving intravenous antibiotics. In addition, he has pain now in his hip bone and his elbow bone and is being treated with painkillers.

The doctors expect him to be in the hospital for 3 or 4 days. Please pray for my mom especially as they will now have to arrange their house for him to stay on the main level. Changes are happening more quickly than we expected, but still, dad’s spirits are strong, and we know God’s presence is with him.

Although there doesn’t seem to be much we can do, the prayers of many are bringing peace to us. Dad’s also a very affectionate guy, and he is being showered with hugs and kisses from his family. Although it’s hard to see him like this, we cherish all the times we have with him.

Chemotherapy #1 Completed

Dad completed his first 3 1/2 hour chemotherapy treatment yesterday. He must not have felt too bad, because he ate a sandwich right afterwards.

The Dr. confirmed earlier prognosis that the cancer is throughout his body and that his time is limited. How limited no one can say for sure.

I will go down to Indiana to spend some time with my parents this Friday and Saturday. Thank you to all for the many prayers that are covering my parents and I. We are in need of your intercession, and we feel so very supported through it. Thank you for walking this new journey with us.

Dad Begins Chemotherapy

Turns out dad got the "chemo talk" yesterday and anti-nausea meds, but he won't start chemo till Wednesday. It will be a three-hour session.

He is swollen from the steroids, but now he will only have to take them once or twice every three weeks, right before his chemo treatment.

Dad's a real trooper, and not complaining, even though he's weak. He and mom are in good spirits.

Peace to you...

Dying and Living - an update on Suzie's Dad

About 4 weeks or so ago, dad collapsed one morning at 6:15 am. He was playing Solitaire on the computer, his usual way to pass any sleepless hours, but he doesn't even remember logging on the computer that morning. I'm glad he doesn't remember.

Dad collapsed with a thud and mom found him seconds later. He was unconscious until waking in the ambulance. My heart soared when I heard he woke up--when I knew that God was giving me another chance to see him and to tell him how much I love him, how much his influence has meant to me.

What we thought was a stroke turned into a cancer diagnosis within days. He now has cancer in his lungs, his brain, his ribs, his spine, and one of his hips. Remarkably, he is free from pain. He has now completed 15 treatments or radiation, and he will start chemo on Monday. An MRI this Thursday will determine how effect the radiation has been in treating his brain cancer. Then we will find out when he will have laser brain surgery. The days are filled with doctors, and the steroids have made him quite weak.

It is difficult for him to get in and out of the car, and his muscles show signs of weakning from the steroids. Mercifully, he will be done taking the steroid pills tomorrow.

His hair (what he had of it) is halfway gone, and his stomach is sometimes upset from his medication. But his spirit is strong and resilient. Last night he told me he is going to live the rest of his life with intentionality. He's always been a gentle person, but he is more bold about his faith. He talks openly about preparing things for mom and us after he's gone.

Someone told me recently that experiences like this make you very weak and very strong. I know exactly what they mean now. I have passed the point of tears, but there is a knowledge that has settled in. Dad may not be there for so many moments in the future where I would like him to be...but he is here now.

We are all dying, all of us...but we are all also living. Dad is living well, and I want to do whatever I can to encourage him to continue on this way. Literally, thousands of people are praying for my dear dad and our family, and I feel this huge support, almost as if I am being held up, as if people are accompanying me on this journey. I know I am not alone.

Thank you, too, for your prayers and support. Each e-mail brings a boost to my spirit, each card or visit or walk helps me stay buoyant. I am doing well, and my heavenly Father is faithful to meet my needs and to meet dad's needs.

I will post often, so feel free to check back anytime. Blessings to you.

sunshine, sand, and sky

Lawn chairs sunk down into the sand along the Lake Michigan beach. The Gary, Indiana, shoreline was covered with onlookers as the waves roared and the sunshine warmed our faces. Just the right temperature--in the air and in my heart.

My parents and I were attending an air show with aerial stunts that defied imagination. I was transfixed, captivated, and content. It may have seemed a small pleasure to some of those plopped around me, a beer in one hand, a cell phone in another. But to me it brought extreme pleasure.

There is so much joy to be had in the calm after the storm.

An update

It was one of those workweeks where everything piles up, and a multitude of projects and meetings and deadlines loom, and Suzie starts snapping at innocent people who interrupt.

And so it was that with knotted shoulders and bags hastily packed, I jumped in my Mercury Mystique and hit the cruise control with the throng down the highway, on my way to Portage, Indiana.

My parents house offers respite and comfort, but this time I was slightly unnerved, remembering...

Remembering just three months ago, when my visit found me writhing in mental and emotional pain. It was as if my fight with depression officially ended there--I could no longer summon the energy to pretend it was not winning. I collapsed.

I remember lying in the bed I am sleeping in this weekend and feeling powerless to get up. My attempts to rally positive thoughts were furtive and almost daily calls to the Dr. were necessary to find the right medication, to give me a dosage that would ensure sleep, to make sure I would not do something foolish.

American Poet Jane Kenyon struggled with bipolar disorder and grave depressions that lasted for months on end. She talks of cutting herself completely off from society and not being able to call a plumber for repairs. Not being able to do the simplest things. And that's how those five weeks were for me. Just getting dressed was an accomplishment.

The interlude seems both distant and not-so-far behind me now. I am careful, but not afraid with my health. I am optimistic and sometimes energetic. I struggle, but I am regaining my strength.

The difference is this: when the darkness came on before, I would berate myself and blame myself for my illness. Although this is one of the most counterproductive things a depressed person can do, most of us are bonafide perfectionists: we simply don't know another way.

My Turning Point

Several years ago, I was reintroduced to the concept of who God is. I prayed a pray when I was a child, inviting Jesus to save me from my sins, so I thought I knew God. And I did--but not really. I didn't realize that this person, my heavenly Father, was not out to get me. I knew much of his holiness and too little of his love. I felt I never did win his approval, though I tried very hard.

Until I stopped trying, and the real heavenly Father showed up. It was at this point that I finally accepted the grace he offers me. I am still learning to do this today. Because, truth be told, he does accept me. Yes, he's even wild about me! Nothing I can do will change this. I can follow this amazing God because I love him. Not to prove anything.

And so, this time, when the torrent of emotions wracked my body, mind and soul, I offered myself grace. There were days when Jesus watched as I lay there in bed, seeking to comfort me. And I knew for sure he expected nothing more out of me that day. I had nothing to give.

There were days when I was able to get up and shower and go for a walk, and he smiled at my efforts. Even though they seemed meager from the outside looking in.

And there were times when I was able to summon the energy to drive to a nearby nursing home to visit someone recovering from surgery and just sit there, or read a funny story, or listen to her heart. And I felt he knew what it took for me to get there and he was pleased.

At times, I had overwhelming, negative thoughts, asking myself why God was allowing my depression. At times I just rested and waited for it to pass. At times I was so anxious I wanted to be through, even though I would not end my life.

And he knew. And he watched. And he moved. I am on my way to a place where these memories will become more removed--but not the memory of embracing his grace. This will stay put. His mercies are new every morning.

I smile as I type this because I could not live without them--and neither could you.

My Slow Ascent

Depression lurks in my closet, and those who know me well, know that usually it stays put there.

That for the most part, I am a content, loving woman who looks for the best in herself, in others, and in her God. I've never met anyone who guesses that I have had a struggle with depression--I have met others who have told me it isn't possible that I have ever experienced it based on their impression of who I am.

But occasionally, partially due to my personality, and partially due to undeniable genetics, the closet begins to bulge. Over the years my coping skills have grown, too, and so I suppose I thought that any bulge would recede--that life issues would right themselves if I responded properly. And I felt I was responding well.

Mid-may I cried one day and thought that perhaps I couldn't stop. And I wasn't sleeping much at all, so I went to see my Dr. and asked him to help me sleep, and he tried, but even though it looked like I would pull through, the emotional torrent came crashing through the closet and I was caught away, whirling, back into a cycle that leaves me unable to cope, unable to function at work or at life.

And so a forced visit to my parents' house brought me to my knees. And new medications made me experience a pain I have never quite seen, not to mention the severity of the side effects. Within another week, the Dr. went back to an old medication. It had made my hair fall out in the past, can cause weight gain and liver toxicity, but it would work if it had worked before.

It is working. Without the intimate details, I am back at work, despite the fact that my body is nowhere near back to "normal," but it will be. It will come back. Things will be joyful again. And I will emerge praying to God that the closet will be bolted. That there will be no more bulging.

You can see, friends, that it is a slow ascent. But indeed, I've been ascending. And when occasionally I've slipped backward for a day or two, before ascending again, I claim Psalm 138:3
The moment I called out, you stepped in; you made me bold and stouthearted.

I cannot explain to you how much stronger I am on the inside as the result of these times; and so I cry out that I want to be more stouthearted--to be able to withstand trial and to extend a loving, helping hand to others who need to walk through their own.

There is something real happening inside this time; a surrendering to the knowing that if I acknowledge this struggle I can be used in the future to help other weary souls. For years, I dreamed up a million other ways God could use me. A friend recently asked me why I get up in the morning.

I thought it was a big question for me right now, but it's not, really. To find that thing that God has for me to do, and to do it. I don't know what this looks like, and I don't need to know today. But I'm finally tired of fighting what he might have, what he might be planning if I would just be available to do things I have not had the heart for up till now.

It is an open struggle now, and it is one that I no longer feel the need to hide. I hope others may come out of hiding as a result.

Depression really can't lurk when we bring it out of the closet, when we name it, find healing, and bravely continue on our journey, moving beyond it.

Thanks to the many who have been faithful in prayer, cards, etc. Much love from me! And hopefully brighter news soon.

Love,
Suzie