Reentering the Real World

I landed in GR around 5 pm Saturday, dropping Julie off to her grateful husband, running my filthy Mystique through the car wash, and depositing my many bags and boxes on the living room floor.

A bit wistful, but nonetheless happy to be home, I have been slowly unpacking, doing laundry, getting groceries, catching up with friends. My trip seems to have brought a new mindfulness, and my prayer is that I maintain a pace that allows for grace, health, relationship, and happiness in the work God has put before me.

I leave you with the verse I wrote for Peter on the day I left Asheville:

Psalm 33:11
But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.

I anticipate the future with great hope...I'm planning to rename this blog and make occasional posts as life journeys on. So don't be a stranger. The new blog will start up in October.

I'll be at work the next few days, then in Dallas for work September 21-25. Will see many of you when I return!

May you enjoy every minute of autumn as the leaves begin to change, subtly at first, then swiftly. Even so may your hearts be open to new possibilities, fresh healing, and the vibrant hope and abundant life Jesus continues to offer.

Warmly,
Suzie

The Sounds of Music

Winding our way down the mountain at 2:45 pm, we descended from Asheville, our spirits light, our hearts warmed, our ears ready for music. And so proceeded a succession of Nichole Nordeman, Ricky Scaggs and James Taylor. You must have good music on a road trip. It is the first rule of happiness.

Don't miss this...
Today was incredible. I was a touch anxious when I got up...perhaps thinking of my last day of therapy and also reentering the real world in Grand Rapids. But arise we did, packing, cleaning our room, breakfasting and bidding farewell to some newly-acquired but dear friends.

Last night Betty (previously mentioned) called me from the front desk at 9 pm, with a request to be taken to the hospital. Her husband, who is recovering nicely from a stroke after near death had fallen from the bed, and she was obviously concerned. I ran down to the front desk and hugged her. In her lilting southern way she said it was a comfort just to talk to me, but I sensed her fear. I laid my hand on her shoulder and prayed to the God we both cling to. Her Ben turned out to be just fine, and he moved to a care facility much closer to their home today. God answered our prayers.

The other events of the day seemed surreal in a way. I feel like I lived in Asheville for a full month (though it was just two weeks) and so it was a touch painful to depart. It is a place where it's easy to find healthy, nourishing food, every type of person is accepted and welcomed, the atmosphere is charged with bright sunshine and bright smiles.

And so...
I have decided that when I marry I will honeymoon here. It became a running joke. If Julie and I were unable to make it to a particular restaurant or attraction, I declared I would take a visit on my honeymoon. The honeymoon got longer by the day as the list of attractions mounted!

Chimney Rock Park (an elevator is actually in the inside of this very tall rock)
Mount Mitchell
Grove Park Inn (a resort and spa for celebrities and the rest of us that is simply enchanting)
Biltmore Mansion & Village (didn't make it yet, saved it for the honeymoon)
lots of really cute b&b's

Treatments 9 & 10

Very good, and I seemed detoxified, as my lymph nodes were not sore. My leg is definitely more comfortable and my ankle more defined. I would love to see more scar tissue break up, and Peter reminds me that I need to take care of myself. I will continue to take supplements and exercise and wear stockings and the Reid Sleeve and do dry brushing...I have some good habits to follow.

It was tough to say goodbye to my wonderful therapist, Peter, today.

I bought him a carved wooden walking stick with a compass on top as a token of thanks. I had no idea that he actually collects walking sticks and was touched at my gesture.

We had a good talk during the therapy, and he told me of how God specifically protected him 3 times while he served as a marine in Vietnam. So, yes, he believes in God. And I asked him if he thinks God was pursuing him, and he said God was guiding him. And I told him I think God is still pursuing him today and that he wants a kind of relationship with him. But I didn't preach. I just wanted him to know that not only do I care about him, a heavenly Father cares about him more. And Peter said he thinks the reason God spared him in very miraculous ways is so that he could help some many lymphedema patients walk and help some of them to be cured. And I agree that is one of the beautiful reasons Jesus spoke to him, telling him how to avoid gunfire that whizzed by him at lightning speed.

Peter seemed quite sad when we left, and later I wondered at what kind of impact our friendship might have in his heart, and Julie and I prayed that he would find the abundant life that comes from meeting and making friends with the Creator of the universe. That would be the happiest of endings to this wonderful story.

In celebration...
Julie and I stopped in right after therapy at the Sweet Heaven ice cream shop...all homeade and many organic ice creams. We are happy to report it is the absolute best ice cream we have ever, ever tasted. Perhaps because I have not imbibed in sugar much at all for over a month...but still...we even put on the sweet dreams silly tattoos and laughed ourselves silly. We recommend mocha chip and mountain java flavors if you are ever in the area.

Time for bed. We're at a hotel in Lexington and will be home tomorrow. Hard to believe.

Eat, Drink & Be Merry

Ecclesiastes 9 tells us to eat bread and drink wine...that God gets pleasure from our pleasure. (Read it in the Message Bible, it's really cool.)

So, anyhoo, I did just that at the Jerusalem Garden Cafe in Asheville last night. Julie and I sauntered in, looking like the happy tourists we kind-of are, and were seated in a back room on floor cushions. The walls and ceiling were covered with a brilliant red fabric and we pretended we were in another world for just an hour.

We ordered a glass of white wine to split between us and happily devoured Jordanian Chicken and Moroccan Couscous. We left nourished and satisfied, with grins from ear to ear. Later that evening, we found out we missed the belly dancers that entertain on the weekends, but we were actually relieved.

Today, we're sitting in the Old Europe Cafe an Battery Park in downtown Asheville. The only place I've ever seen that's a beer, wine, and coffee shop with elegant desserts and an old world flair. I feel especially out of place here with my laptop, as no one else is sporting one, everyone else is sitting, mostly outside, in pleasant conversation with companions.

Julie and I have considered donning a southern accent for certain excursions, but we fear we would slip into the Northern sound once again--the sound lots of people down here thinks sounds "New York."

FYI - my laptop is almost out of juice, and we've lost internet access at the Wellness Center. You may or may not hear from me the next few days, but I am doing splendidly. I'm blessed by your friendships and anticipate many moments of sharing when I return.

Treatments 7 & 8

Glory, glory. I wondered if this week of treatment would be at all helpful on Monday. The fibrotic tissue in my ankle could have prevented any future progress. However...I'm happy to report that each day the tissue is noticeably softer and pliable. The castor oil packs are working, my body is still detoxifying, and we believe the enzymes I started last week are contributing to this happy state of affairs as well!

Every day I learn amazing facts about my body and how to heal and become the healthiest I can be. Two more treatments to go. Before long, I will be walking along in stockings with no bandages. I might miss the sympathy comments just a touch...but not enough to stay crippled! :)

Julie and I are praying nightly for healing for my leg, and we believe God is answering our prayers by continuing to provide healing. It may be that a good deal more healing will occur over the next year.

I must go for now...talk to you soon, dear friends.

The pace of life for me here is very agreeable, and I find I have adjusted quite well to slowing down, stopping to smell the flowers, and gazing at the beautiful mountains in Western NC.

My friend Julie arrived Saturday, and on my trip to the Greenville, SC, airport I pulled off in the little town of Saluda to fill up my thirsty gas tank. As I pulled up, a friendly brown dog wandered up and plopped down right next to my car, making me feel like one of the locals. An open store next to the gas station featured fresh mountain apple cider and I grabbed two small jugs, paused to talk to the clerk with a drawl, and climbed back into my car. On that trip through the mountains, I must have seen 5 brilliant butterflys crossing the road on a lazy September day. This is the life....at least for two weeks. The slower pace and friendly Southern charm suits me just fine.

Julie and I visited a great restaurant downtown Asheville called the Laughing Seed, a wonderful place that serves international vegetarian dishes. They served me the best vegetables I've had in ages, with a wonderful ginger-sesame sauce.

Sunday we headed up to Mount Mitchell (highest point in the east) and were amazed at the scenery and how long it takes my little Mercury to climb up a really, really tall mountain. The drive down took less than 1/2 the time, I think!

Treatment 6

Good treatment today with Peter. He said that I am now so relaxed that I feel like jelly. I don't remember not having any tension in my body like this! It really is amazing. My foot decreased a bit over the weekend (not quite sure why), but mostly things stayed the same. More castor oil packs today and hopefully I will keep the bandages on tonight.

Have been taking the enzymes to help break up that scar tissue for 4-5 days, but they could take months to work, so I'll have to be patient.

Before I came, Peter had a male lymphedema patient in his 30s who had swelling in his foot and leg that didn't show up until 3 years ago. He is now being treated and should do well. It is oddly reassuring to know that others face the same challenges I do.

More tomorrow...

Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

Those of you who know my journey, and have seen a vast change in who I am in the last 10 years, will appreciate the quote above. Today, I have no illusions that life is easy or that there will be a "quick fix" for anything. And I am blossoming...

In Psalm 31, it says that God has not handed me over to the enemy, but has set my feet in a spacious place. This spacious place is new to me in many ways, as I turn my back on the lies that I am not good enough physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I have grown weary of that struggle for unrealistic perfection, and as I recently confided in a friend, "I'm just not doing that anymore." (To which my abba-Father replies, "It's about time!")

And so, as I abandon lies that once held me tightly, I turn to explore this spacious place designed for me by my Creator. The grass is vibrant and green, and I can sink my toes down deep into the soil and find that this freedom offers a lushness and a secure love that I never thought imaginable.

There is room here for imperfection, there is a stream of grace and mercy pouring through lavishly, unstoppable. I accept my mistakes more easily, at times even celebrating them:
a few months ago I wrote in my journal..."I failed today. There, I'll say it again. I failed." There was no rationalizing or excusing or beating myself up for being part of the human race.

For, as Paul alludes in the New Testament, our failures and weakness serve to highlight his extraordinary strength, holiness, and mercy. It's true, as Paul says, that the good I often wish to do I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I sometimes find myself doing. But even as the light of Jesus points out my shortcomings, I know the truth now: exposing my sin is a mission of love, not a chance to berate me. He loves me enough to want a clean relationship, as unpolluted as it can be--a free-flowing affection between daughter and Daddy. He wants all of me, and so he pursues me with determination.

He really loves me, without strings or exceptions. And that simple truth, when it sinks down and swirls around and makes itself at home in a heart, really changes everything.

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Treatment 5

I was more mellow, my therapist said. Maybe a bit discouraged at the fibrotic tissue in the ankle. A tad tired of my daily care, exercise, massage, bandaging, hobbling around routine. I almost bit a man's head off at the store when he said, "What in the world did you do to yourself?"

"Nothing," I said. "I was born this way, and I'm being treated for it." I felt a tad guilty for my response, but I just didn't have the energy to smile and explain lymphedema.

The truth is God is good if we don't see any more improvement in my leg ever....even if things got drastically worse he would still be the same holy, loving, merciful God that I know. So the tension is believing He can do anything and praying and working for healing while accepting the reality of the outcome.

Overall, I've probably never felt better physically than I do right now. The plan is to continue the treatments through next Friday, and I know I'll be given the strength this next week to see it through.

A major blessing arrives today in the form of my dear friend Julie, who I am picking up at the airport. More on our adventures later...

Thanks for allowing me to share and for your continued prayers. God is doing a good work physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Lots of good restful sleep last night, which made me a happy camper this morning. There is not a tense bone in my body anymore. I am completely relaxed and enjoying every minute of it. The most ambitious things I've done today so far (outside of exercise and therapy) were going to an independent bookstore downtown and mailing 3 postcards. I am slowly making my way through my stack of books.

Treatment 4

Good progress today! My leg measured smaller in the foot, but the biggest improvement came because the tissue around the ankle has softened noticeably. Peter definitely has an advantage over other therapists, because of his natural approach. We suspect the castor oil packs he started using yesterday are the reason for the softening.

At this point, we feel my body is mostly detoxified. You can tell, because the lymph nodes under the arm and at the top of the leg are not tight or sore when massaged. My system is largely cleaned out, and I must say, it's a great feeling!

The main goal now: work on that tissue around the foot and ankle to see if we can get it to soften and drain further. The long-term plan is to go on enzymes for 6-12 months that break up protein. This is a sacrifice (one more expense) and they have to be taken twice a day one hour before meals.

Still, I'm probably going to do it. I've invested time and resources in this whole process to make it happen, and I want to see it through to completion. If we can break up this area, it will affect my circulation for the rest of my life.

I'm encouraged and hopeful. And I'll admit I was slightly surprised to see the softening today. Surprised, but grateful.

Thank you, dear friends, for your continued support and prayers. Tune in tomorrow when Suzie makes a running list of things she's thankful for...it just might be a lengthy entry! Bye for now.

Jesus Heals Lymphedema

I just knew that header would get your attention. The other day I was in the middle of my massage therapy, and I told the therapist, Peter, that there is a place in the Bible where Jesus healed dropsy (the old word for lymphedema). He was very curious, saying Jesus did lots of miracles, and he wanted to know exactly what the circumstances were...

Luke 14
Jesus at a Pharisee's House 1One Sabbath, when Jesus went to eat in the house of a prominent Pharisee, he was being carefully watched. 2There in front of him was a man suffering from dropsy. 3Jesus asked the Pharisees and experts in the law, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath or not?" 4But they remained silent. So taking hold of the man, he healed him and sent him away.

I didn't remember this passage at the time, but I said Jesus did this somewhere in the book of Luke. And then I blurted, "Maybe Jesus will heal my lymphedema." And I think he chuckled, and I know I smiled, but inside I'm thinking....I'm not really kidding. :)

How amazing to think that just as Jesus made a priority of helping this man suffering from lymphedema, on the Sabbath no less, he has made a way to heal us completely in the forever tomorrow we will share with him. Can Jesus heal me right here, right now? Yes, if he so chooses. Will he heal me completely? Yes, someday he will. And maybe I will have the distinct privilege of meeting the lymphedema guy who made it into the pages of the Bible. We'll be the ones dancing for joy on perfect legs. Yes, I'm happy to report, Jesus does heal lymphedema.

Treatment 3

Not much progress today. I had a bad night of sleep and I took the bandages off. They are tight and hard to sleep with. We wrapped the leg more lightly today, and I just might make it through the night with the bandages on...and hopefully get some sleep.

Peter says the tissue in the ankle is quite hard and is unsure how much we'll be able to break it down. Keep praying. The only thing we can do is some hard rolling and pressing on that area, and Peter recommends I take some enzymes that break down protein. We definitely moved some toxins out of the system today, as the hydrogen peroxide foamed up more than yesterday.

Keep praying. I'm not discouraged, just tired and slightly grumpy. :)

On a lighter note, I ate mung beans for the first time and they are quite tolerable. Good thing.

I also met a special friend at the YMCA...the lifeguard who looks to be about 22 years old took a liking to me...if only he knew I am almost 33 years old. One of these days I will grow up and look my age. Smiles!

Betty, who looked to be about 80, wandered over to the pepsi dispenser and selected a bottled water. I found this interesting, because I'm not sure I have ever witnessed an 80-year-old drinking bottled water. Of course, I find lots of things interesting...

Sitting down at one of the tables in the wellness center, she unwrapped her sandwich and took a nibble. I observed her from one table over. Brilliant white hair, a kind look in her face, large bags under her tired eyes.

I asked some sort of general question and she answered. Since I was also eating alone, I told her I'd love to join her. She urged me to come on over.

In the next 30-40 minutes, parts of our stories spilled out. She said I was very brave for coming to Asheville alone, and I told her I really wasn't brave at all. I told her how many friends were praying for me, and that their words and encouragement had calmed my spirit. I told her I had to depend on God for the strength I needed and couldn't do it alone. I told her these things because somehow I sensed she would understand--that she and God were also on speaking terms and that some of her inner strength came from her faith.

Betty is staying here because of her husband Ben had a stroke. One night he came in from outside and declared that he was going to take a shower before studying his Sunday School lesson. He never made it to the Sunday School lesson.

Ben almost died, and the doctors said he probably would, but he defied the odds and is going through grueling physical therapy in his recovery. Betty sits with him daily and she says simply "we were meant for each other." I suppose we would call them soulmates.

Recently, her dear Ben looked her in the eyes and said, "You know, I still might not make it. We can't be sure. But I thank God we have had 58 good years together, and I am ready to go. You are ready for me to go, too."

Betty's eyes brim with tears as she recounts the conversation. She prays that God will save her Ben, but she trusts that no matter what he will give the strength that's needed to carry on.

In return, I say simply, "There's a man who knows who he is and knows where he is going." Betty nods with a wistful smile. As I turn to leave, I shake her hand. She says it was good to talk with me and she hopes I have a good evening. Then she adds, "I love you."

I smile awkwardly and tell her to take care. Walking away, I wish Betty was my grandmother, and I wish even more that I could find the kind of committed love she found with Ben. And as much as one stranger can mean the words when uttered to another stranger, I believe that she does love me. Betty, in her sweet, hopeful way, was Jesus with skin on to me.

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Treatment 2

Hit the YMCA for a 20-minute water workout today before therapy. I've become very sensitive to my body's signals, and I noticed in the water that lymph fluid was trying to push its way through the nodes in the top of my leg. (We have about 50-60 nodes in that area.)

Peter, the therapist, did a good job of opening up the flow and we noticed some small improvements when he measured. After the massage, he sprayed my leg with hydrogen peroxide and I watched some of it foam slightly. He explained that the massage brings toxins to the surface, the peroxide washes them away before bandaging. Another application of castor oil and the bandages are back on, though only to the knee. I feel so much more mobile now!

I told Peter I'd do whatever he thinks will help, since he's the expert. So I'm doing deep breathing, which stimulates the lymph to move, and I bought mung beans for the first time ever. :) The super-cool, huge health food store, Earth Fare, has mung beans (good for circulation) and every other cool thing under the planet. (Lonnie, if you're reading this, I bought dark chocolate there and am rationing it daily. It is fabulous!)

Thanks to all again for the prayers. If you want to be specific, pray for the fibrosis (scar tissue) in the ankle region to disburse. Peter says pushing lymph fluid around joint areas is the hardest. But we've got eight days to go and I am feeling great.

Don't hesitate to make a post to the blog....I love hearing from you! More tomorrow.

Guys, I made it...and Asheville rocks! Pulled in to the beautiful wellness center where I'm staying around 5:30 pm Sunday and was welcomed with big smiles and lots of well wishes...even a beautiful peach rose on my dresser! Two of the walls in my room are filled with big windows and I am surrounded by woods, crickets chirping and bright North Carolina sunshine. I even have my own patio porch off my room with two huge wooden rockers. Yes, life is good.

There are 70 volunteers who work here throughout the week at this center, providing a place to stay free of charge, mostly for those whose loved ones are in Asheville hospitals. I have already heard a few sad stories, but the comfort this beautiful Victorian home offers seems to soothe away some of the pain.

Treatment 1
...happened this morning and went swimmingly. My therapist, Peter, is well-known for his work in helping lymphedema patients with holistic remedies. It appears the horsechestnut he recommended (which I've been taking for 2 months and applying topically for a full year) is already having a good effect.

For right now, we are going to go with 1 1/2 hour of lymphatic drainage massage daily. Peter says my case is mild and should respond well to this. He is very upbeat--and he and I share the same philosophy on going the natural route for health issues whenever possible, which is so refreshing.

As he started the massage, I could feel lymph fluid moving, which is a very strange sensation. Strange, but wonderful. Peter has been doing this for 12 years, and before and after pictures are on his wall, showcasing the arms and legs of many of his former patients. In some, the swelling was very extreme--even some cases of elephantisis--and it was hard for me to look at them at all. Let's just say I am fortunate indeed. The encouraging thing was to see what a difference he has made in the lives of so many people who struggle with this condition. Already today, in just an hour and a half, Peter said my ankle and foot looked smaller.

I asked Peter so many questions today, because as you all know, I am just plain inquisitive. I asked him what percentage of lymphedema patients he believes have struggled with depression. At first he said at least 60-70%, then he changed his mind. Of all of the patients he has treated over the years, he believes that all of them have struggled with depression symptoms in the past or present.

The psychological and emotional struggle is real when you have an arm or leg that looks different than the rest of the population. You draw inward from fear or anger, or you decide to start making choices that will keep you at the best level you can be.

How thankful I am to have developed daily exercise habits, learning how to eat right and take supplements, and get therapy that can help. And how thankful I am for all of you who have called or e-mailed to say you are praying.

My biggest prayer right now is for sleep (after not getting much last night). My leg is now wrapped in layers of foam and tight bandages, so tonight could be a bigger challenge. You should see me hobbling around...I am so tempted to say that I was whitewater rafting, when our raft flew over a gigantic cliff and I came crashing down...the truth, of course, is a much longer story!

Bye for now, and talk to you after treatment 2. Smiles!

Good morning. I started my trip yesterday and made my way down to Kentucky (just past Cincinnati) at around 8 pm. I pulled in at a Ramada next to three beautiful shiny Harleys and wondered what this trip would be like on a two-wheeler...

Can you see me on a Harley, looking dapper with black leather and dark sunglasses? :) Something within me insists that I, too, could be a freedom rider. Then again, I observe that many of these freedom riders are at least 45-50 years of age. Perhaps I have a few years left before this phase begins. But when it does, look for the girl with silver stripes on her red helmet and a death grip on the handlebars. Ha!

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During my travels yesterday, I listened to an audio book called Blindsided: Lifting a Life Above Illness, a Reluctant Memoir by Richard Cohen. Richard is the husband of View co-host Meredith Viera and has suffered with MS for 30 years, as well as defeating cancer twice.

He is for all practical purposes, blind, has extreme strength and coordination problems, and a host of other inconveniences that have made this once top-of-his-game television producer almost completely dependent on others to help him do the simplest things.

My heart got quickly involved in his story, as I listened to him hide his disease from employers and friends, girlfriends and even a doctor. The MS drove him to succeed and do things that seemed impossible. He kept telling himself he was unstoppable and that he had to be better than anyone else out there just to have a chance.

I know from experience that physical weakness can be a great motivator: because in many ways you cannot control a condition, you grasp for something you can control, something you can achieve. You push the limits of the boundaries that the doctors or society maps out for you, and you defy the odds with everything you've got. This can lead to extreme satisfaction--because while another person achieved the same with a moderate level of effort--you know you contributed every bit of physical, emotional, and spiritual strength you possess. Others may not know this, but you know it--and that is what counts.

In his memoir, Richard says "illness instructs." I agree, of course, because those who face a physical challenge often become introspective, searching for the inner strength to deal with the outward reality of weakness. What made me sad, however, is that Richard's outlook focuses on finding meaning only in the present. He is right that MS is a gift that has deepened his character.

But might there be a purpose in the pain? Could there be a place after death when what's wrong is fixed entirely, allowing him to live without limitation? For the Jesus-follower the answer is yes. Those of us who cling to the love poured out by a suffering Savior believe that pain comes because the world is broken. We also affirm, however, that Jesus is in the business of fixing the brokenness, starting today with our hearts, and eventually, with eternity in heaven--where we believe all that's wrong will be made right.

Before I left for this trip, my friend and coworker, Jeanette, e-mailed me Psalm 139, taken from The Message Bible. It gave me a fresh look at one of my favorite chapters in the Bible.

"Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you. The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day." (v. 16)

Like no one else, God "reads" me. He knows the dark days and the joyful ones, weeping and rejoicing with me in turn. I love knowing that although the details of my life are important to him, he takes the long range view (the forest instead of the trees), knowing that relationship breakups, job loss, depression, physical challenge and loneliness are only pieces of my story.

The bigger story is that I am becoming free to accept and lavish his love. Already, the wrongness is being made right, as I see things more and more from his perspective. There have been times in my life when my emotions have fluctuated where God is concerned. "He loves me, he loves me not." But, even in the last few months, the truth of his character has been settling down, cementing and solidifying in my soul.

He loves me. Period. No matter what I do or don't do. Always and forever. And it makes me extremely happy to say that he loves you this same way, too.

Catch ya later...