Then the time came when the risk it took
To remain tight in a bud was more painful
Than the risk it took to blossom.
-Anais Nin

Those of you who know my journey, and have seen a vast change in who I am in the last 10 years, will appreciate the quote above. Today, I have no illusions that life is easy or that there will be a "quick fix" for anything. And I am blossoming...

In Psalm 31, it says that God has not handed me over to the enemy, but has set my feet in a spacious place. This spacious place is new to me in many ways, as I turn my back on the lies that I am not good enough physically, emotionally, or spiritually. I have grown weary of that struggle for unrealistic perfection, and as I recently confided in a friend, "I'm just not doing that anymore." (To which my abba-Father replies, "It's about time!")

And so, as I abandon lies that once held me tightly, I turn to explore this spacious place designed for me by my Creator. The grass is vibrant and green, and I can sink my toes down deep into the soil and find that this freedom offers a lushness and a secure love that I never thought imaginable.

There is room here for imperfection, there is a stream of grace and mercy pouring through lavishly, unstoppable. I accept my mistakes more easily, at times even celebrating them:
a few months ago I wrote in my journal..."I failed today. There, I'll say it again. I failed." There was no rationalizing or excusing or beating myself up for being part of the human race.

For, as Paul alludes in the New Testament, our failures and weakness serve to highlight his extraordinary strength, holiness, and mercy. It's true, as Paul says, that the good I often wish to do I don't do, and the things I don't want to do I sometimes find myself doing. But even as the light of Jesus points out my shortcomings, I know the truth now: exposing my sin is a mission of love, not a chance to berate me. He loves me enough to want a clean relationship, as unpolluted as it can be--a free-flowing affection between daughter and Daddy. He wants all of me, and so he pursues me with determination.

He really loves me, without strings or exceptions. And that simple truth, when it sinks down and swirls around and makes itself at home in a heart, really changes everything.

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Treatment 5

I was more mellow, my therapist said. Maybe a bit discouraged at the fibrotic tissue in the ankle. A tad tired of my daily care, exercise, massage, bandaging, hobbling around routine. I almost bit a man's head off at the store when he said, "What in the world did you do to yourself?"

"Nothing," I said. "I was born this way, and I'm being treated for it." I felt a tad guilty for my response, but I just didn't have the energy to smile and explain lymphedema.

The truth is God is good if we don't see any more improvement in my leg ever....even if things got drastically worse he would still be the same holy, loving, merciful God that I know. So the tension is believing He can do anything and praying and working for healing while accepting the reality of the outcome.

Overall, I've probably never felt better physically than I do right now. The plan is to continue the treatments through next Friday, and I know I'll be given the strength this next week to see it through.

A major blessing arrives today in the form of my dear friend Julie, who I am picking up at the airport. More on our adventures later...

Thanks for allowing me to share and for your continued prayers. God is doing a good work physically, emotionally and spiritually.