He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.
Psalm 18:19
Girl-time
Just this last weekend, my friend, Brenda, was visiting from Michigan. We sat on our navy blue leather couch, settling in for a deep heart-to-heart chat, sharing about the movement of God in our lives.
I was quite sobered to realize that the above verse, the one I have prayed for myself, for my mom and also for my dad, has quite literally come true in my life before my eyes; the promise in this verse is now as real to me as the warm oatmeal I consume for breakfast, or the book I hold in my hand. It seems fully materialized in my life. Friends, I am in a spacious place!
Undesired answers to prayer
Some of you may remember that I prayed the above verse out loud over my dad's life countless times before he died of cancer. His dying process was an 8-month journey for us. Two to four months in, his spacious place looked less like a long life, and more and more like a heavenly one. Oh, his spacious place would be glorious alright--but it would mean separation from those he loved. I knew in my heart it was his family who would suffer the loss, not him. He would be rescued because God delighted in him. And so he was. He was ready for his heavenly home at least three weeks before his spirit left this earth. And he talked of heaven with fondness, wistfulness, and finally, peace.
Oh, the joy and the sadness. To this day, 15 months later, I still burst out in tears from time to time. A spacious place, my friends, does not preclude sadness. Oh, no. This temporary separation from my dad stings, and it reminds me of heaven. It stares me in the face daily, repeating, "Heaven is a real place...the place you were made for."
Desired answers to prayer
Has your heart ever been "to-the-touch" tender about some deep desire? So tender, in fact, that you sometimes try to ignore the voice that speaks of the desire, to forget it exists? Been there, done that.
Several years ago, I started a photo frame with about eight openings. I was going to be flat-out honest with God about my tired desires. Those that remained unfulfilled. It was a bold thing to do, me wanting to hang it in my work office and all, but it never got hung, due to the fact that I never found all the pictures I was looking for.
Here was the gist: I would hang a pic of intertwined elderly hands, to signify my burning desire for a lifelong mate, even though I had no prospects on the horizon in my 30s. I would hang a black and white picture of my niece's tiny feet, to symbolize my desire for children, even though my biological clock was ticking faster and faster. There was a picture of a dolphin, as I have had a lifelong dream to swim with one. I had a picture of a sunset already placed in the frame, too; it was the Ludington beach, and it symbolized the beauty and tranquility of heaven to me; the place I would one day be forever. You get the idea...it was my heart served up on a photo frame. The idea was magical and beautiful to me; it was equally as painful.
Sometimes you stop praying for the things you desire the most; it gets too hard, and you are so afraid of another year of disappointment. We do this, I think, because we lose sight of God's goodness; we easily forget that He is being good even when we don't have what we ask for. That, quite frankly, He is supplying our needs, and He is working on our behalf, even when we don't "feel" we are tasting of his goodness.
Such was the case for me at times, for sure.
This place is spacious and different
Who would have known, even 15 months ago, that David and I would fall in love? Who could have predicted that the decision to leave my job, my friends, my church, my everything, in Michigan would have been an easy one? (Even though I knew I'd miss my friends dearly.)Who'd a thunk it? Not me, no, not me. There were many days and nights where the dream of a loving, Godly mate, seemed forever out of reach.
And then this whole story happened to me, to us. It was the sort of thing where you start to get to know a guy, and you try to peer into his heart, to get a good look, to make sure he has a good, if imperfect heart. And David was doing the same, honestly; he was assessing me for possible wife material. The only way any of this worked is that each of us had decided to keep our hearts open to the possibility that even though we had waited a really long time on this one desire, God just might want to step in and fulfill it. We were each waving a flag of "hope," and hoping on hope that God just might do something amazing.
And I have to tell you, God did! Have you ever read the proverb, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick."? Well, this was exactly the opposite of that--hope granted after a long wait makes the heart entirely, completely grateful and amazed.
Where to from here, God?
Sometimes David will wrap his arms around me or even just grab my hand, and I will get misty-eyed. I cannot get enough of his affection after going for so many years as an affection-starved single. To tell the truth, I cannot get enough of this one blessing in my life--I may be complacent about it someday, but not just yet. I'm drinking it in like a tall, cool glass of water on a hot, dusty day.
And I am thanking God for this spacious place. I'm thanking him for rescuing me out of depression and for propping me up and holding me fast as my dad's physical pain propelled him toward heaven. I'm thanking him for the way He is sustaining my brave mother. I'm down on my face, loving on God, thanking him for the blessing of David and all the newness it has brought to my life.
But many days I'm also asking, "Where to from here, Lord?" "What is it you want from us?" And God is answering, albeit slowly, and sometimes not on my time schedule. And I am learning to be OK with the "in-betweenness" of it all. I say I am LEARNING, because some days I'm just impatient.
A few months ago, I looked into applying to be a part-time workplace chaplain in our area, even though it did seem like a bit of a long shot, to be honest. But inside me has been a burning desire to share Jesus's love in a one-on-one sort of way. So I was putting out this fleece, asking God to show me if he might use me in this way.
And now, a few months later, God has answered with a "yes!" In a few weeks, I will be trained to be a backup chaplain, assisting chaplains who are already in our area. And as more companies request chaplaincy help in our area, they are hoping to place me in a part-time position.
Oh, I'm humbled about this. For a day or two, I was even a little bamfuzzled about it, as my southern friend would say. But all that God's been doing, all he's been teaching me and leading me to discover, might just have prepared me for such a ministry as this.
Thank you, Father, for this spacious place. As thankful as I am for all You've provided, I'm even more thankful to have experienced Your goodness in both the difficult, painful times and the beautiful, joy-filled times. Thank you for loving me well and abundantly; help me to share your love with others lavishly, to give unselfishly, and to show off your heart towards us unceasingly.
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