The hard work of being still

Me thinks I doth protest too much.

When it comes to blogging, that is. I don't really like to blog except when wonderful things are happening around me. Or I am feeling wonderful. Or I have something exciting to announce. I tend to blog when I am losing something or gaining the love of my life, or happening on discoveries for the first time. I blog when I have an angle. 

And truth be told, even though I have a few angles lately, they are controversial and sometimes feel convoluted. To top that off, I just haven't had the energy or the want-to. How's that for honesty?

But today as I sit on our back patio with the sun generously beating down on me, filling me with warmth as the air carries the chatter of birds and the smell of lilacs, I think I actually want to blog. Or so I tell myself.

Lately, my energy levels have been quite low, due to the failure of my adrenal glands. And I don't even like to talk about this, to be honest. I'd rather be happy and healthy and ready for anything. Right now. Right this minute. I know that I still need to take it easy for a few weeks, but I'd much rather be parasailing or writing five hours a day or cramming some pre-seminary studies in. 

People quote a really important verse to me lately--"Be still and know that I am God." And it makes me want to grit my teeth and about half the time I want to tell them to buzz off. But in the next moment, I sigh and let the truth sink in:  we humans don't hear much of what God is saying because we can't be still; in truth, we hardly give God a chance to speak. I want to do better at this and my Creator is giving me a prime opportunity. 

The other day I hopped into the Sunbird, stopped to grab a sandwich, and headed for a blanket under a tree, next to a stream at a local park. I just wanted to enjoy the sun and to quiet the noisy voices that compete for our attention and to just be.

And I brought a book called Monk Habits for Everyday People that was quite fascinating to me---and I realize this sentence alone reveals something about me that makes me stand out from the crowd. I'm OK with that.

You see, monks tend to spend long stretches of time in silence, and they recite prayers from the Daily Office at least five times a day. They work each day doing menial tasks as well, and their work is part of their worship. They are celibate and chaste but they drink wine in moderation. They are known for their serious vows before God, but they are actually quite inclined to laughter. But that wasn't what interested me the most.

What stuck with me is that Benedictine monks believe that in this very moment, according to the gifts given to you by God, you ARE who God created you to be. It doesn't matter if you have a job title, if you lost your career or your ministry, your house or your spouse. There are two things the world looks to for success: fame and wealth, and as the monks profess, neither of these matter in God's economy. Strip your life bare, and you are a valued child of God with unique gifts for his service. And that is your true identity. The truest truth of all.

So here I was, lying on this blanket in the sun, and wishing that I felt 100%. It was hard to even calm myself to be OK sitting still for an hour or two. I know things are going on in the world and it feels like I should always be doing something. Except that I know not doing something creates a space for the attributes of peace, and charity, and mercy to be developed in me. "I really do want those good things in me, Lord," I pray. "But can't you hand them over instantly?"

Microwave spirituality really does not exist. Trust me--I've done my own research! And so I sit and ask God to move in my spirit and to show me how to receive his love and in turn, to love well.

If I am a daughter of God, uniquely gifted and called for service in His Kingdom, I am complete now, in this moment. Even if I don't have the energy to do 10 things today...even if I must put off a few tasks for a few weeks. Even if I see a need and I cannot presently fill it. Even when I get passed over or my gifts are not appreciated. No matter to God. His agenda for me is moving forward. Probably more so when I am completely still before Him.

And so, my calling will not be complete when I finish my seminary degree or get ordained as a chaplain or fill an official job opening. It will be complete when I yield to God in the present moment, asking Him to direct my paths for the next hour, the next 24 hours, or the next week. 

Sometimes God says rest, my friends. And when  he does, obedience is always the best option. And if right now, you are reading this with a smug smile on your face, telling yourself that God doesn't have anything to say to you on this topic, the truth is you are probably not listening. Not finding enough quiet time to hear His voice.

If you care at all about your relationship to your Creator and the process of becoming more like Him, I'd like to encourage you to do three things:

1. search His Word for the value God places on you and your gifts, regardless of your circumstance
2. review what the world/your boss/your best friend says about your value and your priorities and realign with the truth from God's Word
3. embrace a life where you learn you are valued just as you are--not for your productivity, not for your shrewdness, and not for your supermom, or superdad, or superemployee abilities

And if you really want to get serious make a list like this:

the world's opinions God's truth

-I am valued only for my productivity -God created me in His image and values me for who I am as His child, not what I do

etc.

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

 ^28-30"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."