To blog or not to blog, that is the question

It's not that I have nothing to say these days. Far from it. You wouldn't believe the questions I'm asking myself. They are big questions about where I should be investing my time and what my calling in life should look like, based on the giftings given to me and the experiences God, graciously, has allowed so far.

All of this thinking and processing has somehow rendered me speechless. Or, in the case of this blog, wordless.

I don't honestly think I am spinning my wheels, that I am completely directionless. But it is safe to say I am living "in-between." That is, I'm investigating possibilities, putting a little pressure up against a door or a window, asking God if this is the direction He might have me travel. Many days, I am wishing I could speed things up; occasionally, I wish I could slow my thought process down.

Lest you are confused, let me just say that something is happening in me internally, growing and expanding, that makes me believe I am meant to do one-on-one ministry with people who hurt and face challenges of many kinds. I am also becoming aware that when God doled out my spiritual giftings, in the areas of encouragement and teaching, then made this clear to me, he meant that I should use them. Not haphazardly or accidentally--but intentionally. And I think I can say this quite honestly: I am willing to be used, even if it costs me something. Which it most definitely will.

If this ministry happens to be chaplaincy, I have some work to do. I need to attend seminary, and possibly to be ordained within my denomination, to seek a job where I can serve outside the church in a workplace, university, hospital, or hospice setting--or a combination thereof. So you see, the stakes are high. This isn't a small endeavor or a haphazard, "well, if it ever works out." This requires thought, money, and planning. Then it requires that God provide an opening in an institution where I can serve.

This is too big for me to comprehend on some days, but here is the deal. Today a hospital chaplain whom I greatly respect told me she has been praying about my seminary decision, that God will give me discretion and a clear calling. And although I have prayed about this on several occasions, I've decided to begin asking God for more clarity daily. I am asking him to confirm this for me. And I have to tell you, I'm confident He'll come through. He's got an excellent track record.

I'm also asking that He'll give me courage to change things up in my life, and to listen carefully to His voice for direction. Then to follow it.

Honestly, it might mean giving up this blog and several other things in order to work my way toward the goal He is creating in my heart. But those are small potatoes, when I think about how trusthworthy He is, and the fact that I don't want to waste this short life of mine, not even for a minute.

Today, I attended a volunteer training program at the local hospital. I am one of 50 local volunteers chosen to serve in the No One Dies Alone program. That is, volunteers will literally be present with someone who doesn't have any available friends or relatives available while they are actively dying. As the program was presented, the chaplain spoke of the many patients who lift their arm out and speak someone's name as they are passing on, as they reach forward to eternity. And I have to tell you, I know more than ever that heaven is a real place, and that through my faith in Christ, I am going there someday. For whatever reason, God has given me a peace about participating in this program and being present with people during this Sacred time.

I don't know how to describe what God is doing in my heart, except to say that a gradual awareness of my ability to be present in difficult situations is emerging. I have talked with those in the chaplaincy vocation about the emotional realities they face, and I know they are great. But God is greater.

Thanks for listening to the wheels as they turn in my mind and heart. I am wishing and hoping and praying for just enough light for the next step. Stay tuned.