My Slow Ascent

Depression lurks in my closet, and those who know me well, know that usually it stays put there.

That for the most part, I am a content, loving woman who looks for the best in herself, in others, and in her God. I've never met anyone who guesses that I have had a struggle with depression--I have met others who have told me it isn't possible that I have ever experienced it based on their impression of who I am.

But occasionally, partially due to my personality, and partially due to undeniable genetics, the closet begins to bulge. Over the years my coping skills have grown, too, and so I suppose I thought that any bulge would recede--that life issues would right themselves if I responded properly. And I felt I was responding well.

Mid-may I cried one day and thought that perhaps I couldn't stop. And I wasn't sleeping much at all, so I went to see my Dr. and asked him to help me sleep, and he tried, but even though it looked like I would pull through, the emotional torrent came crashing through the closet and I was caught away, whirling, back into a cycle that leaves me unable to cope, unable to function at work or at life.

And so a forced visit to my parents' house brought me to my knees. And new medications made me experience a pain I have never quite seen, not to mention the severity of the side effects. Within another week, the Dr. went back to an old medication. It had made my hair fall out in the past, can cause weight gain and liver toxicity, but it would work if it had worked before.

It is working. Without the intimate details, I am back at work, despite the fact that my body is nowhere near back to "normal," but it will be. It will come back. Things will be joyful again. And I will emerge praying to God that the closet will be bolted. That there will be no more bulging.

You can see, friends, that it is a slow ascent. But indeed, I've been ascending. And when occasionally I've slipped backward for a day or two, before ascending again, I claim Psalm 138:3
The moment I called out, you stepped in; you made me bold and stouthearted.

I cannot explain to you how much stronger I am on the inside as the result of these times; and so I cry out that I want to be more stouthearted--to be able to withstand trial and to extend a loving, helping hand to others who need to walk through their own.

There is something real happening inside this time; a surrendering to the knowing that if I acknowledge this struggle I can be used in the future to help other weary souls. For years, I dreamed up a million other ways God could use me. A friend recently asked me why I get up in the morning.

I thought it was a big question for me right now, but it's not, really. To find that thing that God has for me to do, and to do it. I don't know what this looks like, and I don't need to know today. But I'm finally tired of fighting what he might have, what he might be planning if I would just be available to do things I have not had the heart for up till now.

It is an open struggle now, and it is one that I no longer feel the need to hide. I hope others may come out of hiding as a result.

Depression really can't lurk when we bring it out of the closet, when we name it, find healing, and bravely continue on our journey, moving beyond it.

Thanks to the many who have been faithful in prayer, cards, etc. Much love from me! And hopefully brighter news soon.

Love,
Suzie