One of Two

Sometimes I walk around and think about what it would be like to be one of two. That is, to have a partner holding my hand--not to comfort me only, but just because.

And I daydream about this, even though I know two-dom isn't perfect, and it holds its own challenges and quirks and problems, too. True, there isn't much conflict when I answer only to myself. "Let's see, me, what do I want to wear today or cook or read or play?"

And yet these choices can be lonely ones; I would gladly acquiesce to my invisible half. The one who has not arrived yet. The one whom I believe will come someday, but whose time of arrival is completely a mystery to me: a conundrum, if you will.

I do not completely understand why his arrival has been delayed; why it doesn't perfectly match up with my desire. I would like to ask God about this and to receive an answer that perfectly placates me and gives me reassurance and hope.

But at the end of the day, the year, the decade, He is God and I am not. He's the God who redirected me out of relationships and into one-dom again, and He is the God who knows all my inside parts -- the deep, secret, dark and beautiful parts that only He can understand and appreciate fully.

No matter how perfect the two-dom may be, my human lover will never get me this way. And even though he might be valiant and persistent, and may try to dig deeper and to know me for my true self, he can never reach the core. He may love me well, but he can never fully know Suzie.

Sometimes I fear that I will ask of this man too much: that I will expect him to be God for me. It is so very tempting to look for a savior in romantic relationships, even though I know very well my Savior has already won my heart. He's already saved the day. And His love answers my soul question. He has spoken what I needed to hear; I am desirable, his daughter, flawed but adored, and secure forevermore.

Reminders that he has spoken this truth to me are plentiful if I do not shut my eyes, my ears, and my heart. If my emotions do not run away from me, if I do not retreat into self-pity. If I realize it's OK to be lonely sometimes, it's OK to desire my other half, it's OK because my Abba-Father isn't going anywhere. He understands.

And so occasionally I indulge in thinking about being one of two.

And sometimes the loneliness recedes...
When I walk a small dog as I did today.
When I gently cuddle, and feed, and change my newborn niece.
When I hike amid a pine forest and feel God speaking to me personally.
When my roommate asks how my day was.
When I contribute my talents to a worthwhile cause.
When my sisters know what I am thinking before I speak.
When I share my life with someone who doesn't know my heavenly Father yet.
When a coworker affirms my heart.

These are but a few of my joy-buttons; buttons my Creator presses often, sometimes in the nick of time. And the depth of my desire to find someone to live, laugh and love with remains. When he arrives, I believe our union will be so much sweeter for the longing, for the waiting.